I once read in a Joyce Meyer book that as Christians, we go through our ups and downs/lows and highs/our seasons with God. It’s a part of our growing process with Him. And that’s OKAY. Because when you have a true relationship with someone, you’re not always going to be happy with them, or want to talk to them, or truly like spending time with them all the time. [It doesn’t make that an excuse to never be a true participant in the relationship. It just means that sometimes people need space in their relationships to truly appreciate it when compared to others]. That you must question and research your relationship with Him in order for it to not just be “religion”. Show me a relationship that is always happy, and I will show you a LIE.

Once I understood where she was going with that, I began to truly understand that just like EVERYTHING else on this God-green earth, my relationship with God goes through its cycles. Not because He changes [obviously], but because I do. As a human, I constantly have to reassess and redefine what my relationship with God is, should be, isn’t. And as much as I hate to admit it, every single time… A major part of my thought process with that is drifting away/distancing myself from Him. It’s not GOOD [but thank Him for His mercy and grace], but for me and my relationship…it IS necessary. To go into why would be too much for one post, but I am growing and understanding my relationship with God in a more personal way. So what happens with me is in no way cookie-cutter or generalized for others.

When I’m in my valleys with God…due to my own distancing…I hate it. Because I know where I am supposed to be. I’ve never been one for self-imposed burdens, but this is just one that I understand my spirit goes through for spiritual growth. I accept that I am a sinner. I accept that Christ’s love and God’s mercy saves me on the CONSTANT. It is I, the one that is still evolving as both a human and a Child of God, that is not…stable. Out of all the things that God has rested upon me to bear, there is only one battle that is truly self-imposed. And I grapple with it…like everything else…in cycles. Uggggh…this post is going in circles [no pun intended]

I’m pretty much trying to say that right now, I’m in a valley. Not happy about it, but this is where I need to be. I pray that my disobedience, distance, etc. doesn’t reap dyer consequences. I really do. I know what is destined for my life is designed by Him. I’m being honest with myself and the world when I say, I’m not running, but I know I’m not ready. My seasons are shifting and it’s up to me and my spirit to understand our new flow before I can honestly say that I am ready to just give to God EVERYTHING . That may come off wrong, but every time I thought I was ready…someone…some force always slapped me in my face and told me that I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t doing it right. Made me feel like I wasn’t radical enough. I’m not a radical spirit. The One who created me knows that. So now, God is teaching me. Prepping me. Allowing me the ability to learn from all mistakes, both mine and others. I know I’m brewing. I know I’m almost done. I know I’m dang near ready. But the climb from the valley to the summit isn’t a fast and easy one. So let me start building my steps. 

#BitiGRADUATED

The best advice that I ever received concerning my mother came from my ex-best friend (whilst we were still best friends). She said, “Stella, if you want to have a positive relationship with your mother, you have to create it. You have to change the way you think about her and y’alls relationship.” And it just clicked [that was one of the best traits about my ex-best friend; whatever she advised me clicked like no one else could do for me]. I changed the way I:

• talked to her [kinda lol]
• related to her
• thought of her
• prayed for us
• did service for her

And two years later, I can honestly say that I have benefited from doing so. I love this selfless, empowered, spiritually liberated woman. WITH MY EVERYTHING. I bless the name of the Lord for deeming me worthy to be born from her womb and suckle from her bosom. She is my heart. She is my role model. She is my Christ on Earth. I don’t know how any child can go without a mother like mine, but I pray for their souls and futures. EVERY child needs a loving mother such as mine. She inspires me [even though she doesn’t always understand my creativity]. She loves me [even though I’m not always lovable]. She prays for me [even though I’m old enough to pray for myself]. She is the river from which my tree’s roots receive their lives and nourishment. She is my EDEN. MY EVE. MY MOTHER. And I will do until the DEATH of me whatever to please, provide, and protect her.

Happy Belated Mother’s Day!

(Source: nirvikalpa, via lepidlefty)

The song that sparked it all for me with him…

(Source: Spotify)

forever90s:

Arnold’s real life room replica.

alecshao:

Sebastien Preschoux - Color Theory, 2009

I just want to go away with you.
I don’t care if we sail or blast off to the moon.
I just want to go away…
Smoke a fat blunt in the middle of the day
Watch the sunlight turn from red to yellow and then dark gray
Get up and have a picnic on the sidewalk of the park
Go streaking in the waters of the ocean’s stars.

I just want to go away…
And experience not just new things,
But things that make us feel brand new.
Let’s make up shit and tell our stories to a few
Ready, willing, and listening ears.
Let’s start a revolution that begins and ends at the end of our bed.
Explosions of positions
And dynamic head…

Shots of Patrón,
You know tequila is what I like.
Cups of your favorite exilir
As we suffocate our lungs through a pipe.
Sip Moscato as we toast with the
Sweet tastes of our favorite chocolates—
You’re tongue mine and my lips on yours
While we enjoy this good life
We’ve created.
I don’t need a deserted island
As long as it is in your hands that I land.

I just want to go away…

(Source: camwell)

You were in my dream last night 
And surprisingly, your presence didn’t rip me to shreds
I cannot tell a lie; 
I expected your words to slap me across my face
And sting my nerves to their limpness. 
When I told you what has been decaying
In the depth of my heart for so long, 
Burrowing the venom of being ignored 
Deeper into my veins,
Fear consumed my spirit.
My heart clenched for breath, 
Just knowing that you would punch my
Chest with your choice to not care.

But you didn’t.
You amazed me by your emotions.
You understood, but didn’t move.
You finally took your thorn out of my back
And tried to soothe my torn muscles
That had been weakened from all those times
And trials to be strong when confronted with your opposition.
I don’t know if it worked all too well,
But my chest cavity expanded in relief;
I could breathe because the weight of your anger
Had lifted off of my fragile soul.
That did my spirit better than you actually coming back
To me and being who I’ve been praying you can
Transform into.

Thank you.

Nowhere in the Bible will you find the cliche’ phrase, “God helps those who help themselves”. Why? Because neither God nor  Jesus ever said that. Stop deceiving yourselves. It has no Biblical backing, and it is in opposition to the type of motivation and faith that God desires for us to have. But God’s Word does say from the mouth of David in Psalm 10:14:

 …you are the helper of the fatherless.

And in Hebrews 11:6, Paul said:

…He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

I come this morning to enlighten and correct your minds on this simple concept of whom God helps and when He will help them. The first step is to demolish the staunch belief behind this cliche’ that everyone holds near and dear.

If God really only helped those who helped themselves…explain what orphans [the fatherless] would do about salvation and success in Psalm 10:14. An orphan is too young to do for his or herself what their parent can no longer do. Help can’t come from yourself if you don’t even know what to do from the start. You must see. You must learn. It must be instilled. Read the Word of God.

If God is only going to help me when I help myself, I’m pretty sure that I would never get any help. I would totally be losing in life’s race right now. Simply because I would be more focused on helping myself/doing what I need to do without His help that I would not diligently seek His face for guidance. 

Now the cliche’ Let Go and Let God isn’t in the Bible either [Bummer, I know. Sorry.] But it does have Biblical backing that I would implore you reading to trust and believe in:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall directyour paths. [Prov. 3:5-6]

Commit your works to the Lord,
And your thoughts will be established. [Prov. 16:3]

Of course there are many more, but these are two of my favorite and most reminding verses on how to trust God to do for me because I know that I cannot do for myself [on my own].

~BeEmpowered. BeBlessed.

His name takes my heart 
And chokes it from its beat.
Makes my eyes light up,
Even if just to be blinded
By the pain of being a
Forgotten memory.
Rushes heat through my
Insides, as I burn holes
Through his letters.

Damn, I sense with my
Everything the softness
And radiance and rainbow
Within those vowels and
Consonants…
His name is my air pump;
It gets me going faster than
I would on hot wheels.
His name is my water and moon;
Their elements allow my star to
Shine and reflect.

Fuck…
I love this guy(’s name).

Hair tied tightly in a black, silk scarf

Drool crusting into the interwoven threads of cotton pillows

Sweat dripping down the convulsing backs of two passionate lovers.

You stopped listening
I stopped talking
The tender whispers that once dropped from your tongue
Have turned stale in their dry silence
Are your taste buds not yet sandpaper?
Scratching against the roof of your shut mouth
Scraping into the root of your rotten teeth
Slicing through your chewed up gums…
My ears are clogged to your fumbling attempts to speak
You drool on yourself as I stare in disgust
Grow up, little boy

Or die a brittle man.